Crafty Kitty

I had a doctor’s appointment earlier this week.  I’ve had depression on and off for quite a while.  When I was 20, I finally saw a doctor about it and went on Celexa.  I was on it for almost a year, probably about 10 months or so, until I just stopped taking it because my life was going pretty okay and I was handling things fairly well.  I went through one or two depressive episodes after that but I was able to dig myself out of them without the help of medication. 

That was until I moved to Madison - without knowing anyone and a debilitating fear of meeting new people (because I hated myself and thought everyone else would too).  And also, after just getting out of one of the most horrible relationships, if you could call it that, that I had ever been in after which I jumped into a semi-relationship with a close friend that just tanked.  I knew moving was the best thing for me and I learned a lot about myself while meeting some of the awesomest people I know.  I never thought I would find people that were like me (you know - adults with actual responsibilities) that liked to do the things I like to do.  And because of the move, I now have a best friend who just also happens to be my boyfriend.  That was something I always hoped would happen, but never actually thought would happen, due to the aforementioned horribly low self esteem. 

But at the time, I had sunk to a new low in which I was barely able to function at all.  I knew when it started affecting my parents to the point where they had to seek counseling to try to figure out how to help me with my depression that it was time to go on the meds again.  I was resistant to go on them again because I didn’t think I should need a pill to be happy and that there was something fundamentally wrong with me and maybe I was just meant to be unhappy all the time.  I saw a counselor, who even though in my opinion she had spectacularly shitty counseling skills, did at least get me in to see a doctor and back on the Celexa again. 

My life really started to pick up once I was able to function again and see that there was a reason to go out and enjoy life instead of sitting in my apartment with the shades drawn, watching Gilmore Girls over and over again, while not getting off the couch and eating my weight in chocolate and french fries.  I was able to finally converse with some of my coworkers who are the above mentioned awesome people I now spend most of my time with and I also realized I can occupy my time with knitting and sewing and doing the things I used to like to do before I became non-functional.  And it was awesome.  I lost a lot of the weight that I gained from the couch sitting and was feeling really good about myself.

Then, I slowly started to pack on the pounds again.  I thought I was just eating bad and that I should cut back on the calories and workout more.  But no matter what I did, it seemed like the weight wouldn’t drop off.  So when I went to the doctor earlier this week she told me that it was most likely due to the Celexa that I’ve gained the weight.  And it’s not like I’m even close to being overweight – it’s just that most of my pants don’t fit me right anymore and I don’t want to spend the money on a whole new wardrobe. 

I've been on it again for about 9 months and since I’ve been doing so well and can say that I am truly the happiest I have been in a long time, and after a discussion with my doctor and the boy, I’ve decided to slowly taper off the Celexa and see if I can live my life without the meds.  I figure the worse thing that can happen is I realize I can’t deal and I just go back on them and buy myself some new pants.  But I honestly don’t think I need the little pill anymore and as long as I have supportive people close by and exercise to get my endorphins up, I should be A-OK.  At least that’s what I’m hoping for.